Its been a few days that i haf not see him. Not complaining, just that i do miss him. I realise that if u dun get to spend alot of time with that someone, u will cherish the time u r with him more. I do... Although we dun get to see each other often but i'm surprised that we r closer in some ways. Hmm.. Looking forward to go somewhere and haf a break. Dearie is going KL on sat and coming back on mon, and i'm like missing him already. Too bad i got to work on sat or esle i would want to tag along. But i thot its good not to tag along too cos he is meeting up wif his frenz there. Personal space. Tinking of going KL also after my work and look for Esther to ask her to bring me around. Toying with that idea cos i would be alone. When did i become so brave and bold? Its so different from last time, when i'm so shy and indecisive. I guess maybe its becos i know myself better now and love myself more. I think i deserves it. :)

I waited... and waited.. Can't really sleep well thru d nite. I haf totally no idea what his answer would be. In fact, more concern if he would get a heart attack by my bold statement. The clock is ticking, and its 8am plus already. Checked phone.. Nope, no msg coming in.. And then hp beeps.. Its Jolyn asking me if i'm late for work.. Arghhh... Start to wonder if he haf seen my blog?


In office. Still waiting... 9.30am and i got a private number call.. Is it him? Nope, not taking calls from a private number. Another call comes in again.. My god! It's him! Wat should i do?? To pick or not?? Damn nervous and embarrass, never ever thot of wat to say to him. Why did i get myself into this.. Was on the line with a customer, hope d phone stop ringing.. Ok, 9.55am.. Got online, and hp got a msg.. He asked me online if i saw d msg? Here goes... Saying that he read my blog and couldn't concentrate at work. Oops! Hard decision for him and worry bout alot of factors like no time for me and getting hurt.. Am i willing to take the risk? YES!!


So, here we are.. Giving it a try. :) Nobody say its gonna be easy, but i tink its all bout compromise in a relationship. Like i say, i gonna love like i've never been hurt before. Thot that i'm really brave to do that. Never in my life i thot i would do something like tis. Not giving up and fight for what i really want. Cool. I'm sure its really a start of something beautiful here. Wish us luck. Hee..

My initial plan is to tell K that lets stop contacting each other for good. But decided to follow my heart and do this. At least i don't regret anything at the end of the day as i did my part. I can't say what would happen to us in the future if we are together... But the thought that it may be the start of something beautiful if i would just give it a chance. Was planning to ask him on the phone but i chickened out so i do it here. *Deep breathe*



I may not be the star of the fantasies
You've conjured up in your head
I may not be the ideal woman of your dreams
I may not be the one who makes your
Toes curl and makes you scream
I may not say all the things you think i should
I may not always look or speak the best that i could
I may not fit the bill or the standards
Set by your friends
But did you ever have an inkling of a thought
That i might be a godsend
Don't you want a woman who'll be faithful
A woman who'll always stand by you
I may not be the cutest woman in the crowd
But i am a woman of whom you can be proud
And with me there is confident in knowing
I will always be there by your side
I may not be all you said you wanted
But don't discard me without much thought
Don't pass me by because of some image
That society has taught
Get to know the woman in me
And take a stand undaunted
And eventually you'll come to see
I'm everything you never knew you wanted

Had breakfast with K in the morning, went to Mac and haf my hotcakes & sausage. Sunday morning and having breakfast with that someone, i always thot its something meaningful and wat life should be. I passed him the HP pouch that i made for him, when i saw d old one was not in good condition. Hmmm, maybe its not that well-made but i did put in d effort and hope he appreciate.


What do i want exactly..? Out of life..? Things that i'm sure is, i want to be able survive on my own without relying on anybody. I want a nice home, a job that i would find satisfaction in, able to support my family and able to travel around the world with that someone special. End of the day, i want to be happy. Its scary to fall in love actually, cos ur happiness depends on that someone. If thing turns out bad like having a quarrel or a fight it will make me sad. Although i rarely flare up or having arguements with anybody, i also used to worry that i would bored that person this way. I guess i think and worry too much, its tiring to be considerate all the time.


Feel like going somewhere alone.

A friend was telling me d other day. Saying that i'm desperate.. for love. Maybe i am. And also told me that i'm hunting for love, not looking for it. In fact i always thot that it would find me somehow. Isn't it suppose to be effortless? Why am i trying so hard? But at the same time i also thot that the special someone won't just fall from the sky just like that. Sometime i have to make the first move and put in the effort. Guess like the old saying, it takes two hands to clap. I'm just can't be the one keep giving. I actually give too much already...


I asked K, the question that always have been bugging me for quite sometime now. Obviously the things that we do is not just friends only. But its also not in a relationship too. I just hate that feeling, and i hate myself for it. I wanted to get out from it. Finally, asked him exaclty what are we now. The answer from him was, "i would like to say we are a couple now, but we are still not". Hearing that my heart skipped a beat. I actually prepared myself for this kinda answer from him, but just can't help it feeling d tear rolling in my eyes. He said that he got that barrier, i mean so do i. In my mind i'm thinking maybe i'm just not the one for him. On the other hand, my friend and my sis was asking me if i would like this kind of guy. A social butterfly, and some ppl called it a flirt.. Somehow i do know that he's a very serious person, cos he's quite like me. Anyway, i told him let's just be friends. Cos i'm tired of it, i dun want to carry on like this anymore. I feel like being taken for a ride, its like a trial run on how it would be like if we r together.. Sorry, but i just dun like d idea of see how first. I thot its pretty clear if u really like the person and u just go for it. So this only proved that i'm just not the one to get him out of d barrier. I dun even want to be friends.. I would be able to handle it. If that someone can't love me, then i would just self-love, not selfish... He's still looking for it, which i can't accept it. He has the every right to keep looking for it, and gals r like throwing themselves at him. J told me before that i must be confident of myself. I am. Trying hard..


Leave me alone...

Ok, d story bout R & M. Its coming to an end. Guys.. Wat can i say bout them. Or is it me? Always have d same problems with them. Strange. Never in my whole life that i cme across a guy so self-centered and aloof. And no manners at all, maybe its becos he's d only child. Can't imagine him having a girlfriend. How can a guy 'dig' everything in front of ppl? Grossed!!


Now lets talk bout K. Yeah, d guy who got another gal out on our first date.. Well, things got an unexpected change. We went for a couple more dates, and things started to get hot. This guy surprised me with his social skill, and check out d frenz he know.. Its everywhere..! D scary part is, they r all gals....! Oh my god..


Where do i always get stuck in a situation like this. Its always dunno what r 'we'? I hate to ask and worse, not knowing d truth is killing me. Arrgghhh.. I always thot that i only wanted d simplest thing, and yet no one can give that to me. I feel like running away from it and save myself from d heartbreak...


J is back from San Fransico, and he msg me if i haf send out d resume. I'm guilty of keep pushing it later.. But a msg from him at this time somehow make me feel touched, at least someone do care.. and d impt thing is without any motive. Sincere and simple.